Undimmed it will burn...

Things have been to much for me lately, but not in a bad way. So much has happened in the last couple weeks I hardly know whats is going on! It is as if I know what has happened over the last few weeks, but at the same time I don't.

I have been challenged. The Lord has definitely been showing me his will in my life. A few weeks ago is when things started to happen. Small things, but soon they grew. The lord was testing. I was frustrated and confused, not knowing what was going on. I felt like everything was just going straight downhill and I had no breaks to slow down. It was then that I realized what the Lord was doing. I thought to myself, "what if this is Gods way of teaching me something?" Boy was I right! Over the last few weeks I have been waiting to see what the Lord has for me. I believe that he has put it on my heart to trust in him, fully. I recently purchased a new devotional book and the first couple devotions I have read in it are about trusting in God. In the one reading the author states this,

"Beloved, never try to get out of a dark place except in God's timing and in His way. A time of trouble and darkness is meant to teach you lessons you desperately need."

I knew right then that what the Lord has been trying to tell me. As it says in Isaiah 50:11, I need to wait for the Lord light in the darkness and not attempt to light my own torch to see. I have found that in this lesson, it has brought great peace. As cheesy as that may sound it is true. Since I have been relying on the Lord in stressful and "dark" situations, I have found myself to be more at ease with life in general. The fact of knowing that He is in control is calming to me. I know that He knows what is best for me and that He will lead me down the path I need to go down. Believe me, at this time and point is has been needed. I praise the Lord for allowing things to happen in my life, because I know that I will learn from them. just like it says in James 1:2-4,

"Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not laking in anything."

Parents. I dont know where I would be without my parents. I am so glad that I have the parents I do. My parents have been such a help to me throughout all my life. My mother has always been there to help me through things, to teach me and encourage. My father has always been there to offer wisdom and understanding of things I am not sure about. I am truly blessed to have such great parents. I only wish that I will grow up and mature to be as great as they are.

Boy oh boy, where to begin with the rest of everything happening in my life lol. Well, My computer died the other week, leaving me to redo a lot of homework and such. That was not fun at all. My vans breaks also went out and I had to get them fixed. The place down here wanted a ton of money to fix em, but the place in Cadillac told me they could do it for half price. So I drove all the way home in a snow storm with no breaks. The Lord is amazing I tell you what! and now my stereo has completely died on me as well. It seems things really like to get broke around me lol. But all is ok with me, for like I mention, I am trusting in the Lord. The Lord has put several other things on my heart as well. These things are still in the working I believe because I am still not sure where to go with them. My relationships are being evaluated and I need wisdom from the Lord to show me what to do. All in all, I cannot say it enough, how great our Lord is.

I could go on and on about what has been happening with this, that, work, school etc. But I would be up all night writing about such. I called this Night Thoughts for a reason, not night journaling lol.

Until next time....

"Trust is the most important component of any relationship. If you do not trust a person, you probably do not consider them your friend. The building blocks of friendship are based on sharing the deepest parts of yourself and believing that they will be held sacred. You believe this about your friend and he believes it about you. The more you trust each other, the deeper the friendship that you have built. If you don't have trust in your friend, you don't have a friendship."

Hard to handle, and hard to forget...

Well, I dont really know where to start this one. There have been so many things happening lately that I dont know what to make of half of it.

I took a trip to Florida with my family a couple weeks ago! It was so much fun! It really made me realize how much I actually miss my family. I dont get to see them a whole lot and when I do it really means a lot. But being on a vacation with them again really made it special. That and getting to see my grandpa and grandma again as well. Its one of those things where, you dont know how much long they will be around. I know that is a depressing thing to say, but its true. I know they are getting older and with that means you dont know what could happen. So seeing them as often as I can really means a lot to me. I dont know where I would be without my grandpa and grandma. My grandpa has taught me a lot of what I know. Growing up with he was always teaching me knew things, and I now cherish those skills I do have because I know it was him who gave them to me. My grandma is the one who has always been there to encourage me. She always has the right thing to say in every situation to make you feel great. I Love my family and I am blessed to have been born into such a great one at that! :D

I have also had a few things that have been a downer lately too. I dont really feel like saying a lot about them I guess. I know that what has happened is because it is what the Lord has wanted to happen. But I struggle with that at the same time. I wanted things to work in out in my favor that I lost sight of what was really going on, maybe the Lord is teaching me something? I cant say I am over things though. They were things that were on my heart for a really long time, and its hard to just erase all that happened. I question myself when I think about it, I even doubt my decisions. I know that what happened, happened for a reason. But I just cant get over the outcome yet, I wish things would have turned out differently. Thats life though, you dont always get what you want, and you have to just live with it. That for me is one of the hardest things, I feel like a piece of me is being left behind. I dont like that. my relations with others is one of the most important things in my life, when somethings goes wrong it really hurts me.

I just went on a trip of a life time as well! My first official road trip without my parents and with the best friends in the world! We went down to Bob Jones University to see Heidi and Rachel for the first time! It was such a fun trip! I was really nervous though when we first got there. I am not exactly Bob Jones savy you could say. But all in all it turned out not so bad. I really miss Heidi though. Honestly I dont think I could keep my sanity without her. She is by far the best friend a person could have. she is always there to talk to, and she knows how to cheer you up. I love her a lot. Be jealous, because I have the best friend ever! :P

I have not been feeling well lately as well. Not as in feeling sick, but just not doing well physically. I have been having these dizzy spells off and on for the last few weeks. I dont know what is causing them. But it has really started to effect me a lot lately. Doc says I might have a Iron deficiantsy...(or however you spell that, spell check is not working!). I have had to change my diet and everything, even start taking vitamins. which for me is a total change. I have never had to do anything for my diet. I eat what I eat and thats it. I have never taken any pills or supplements to change anything ever! I guess things are finally starting to catch up with me.

I am so excited to go to Africa! I cannot wait for my missions trip in May! I finally get to go on a real missions trip, go out of the country, and see the world! I know that the Lord has many great things in store for the trip! There are no words to describe how happy I am for this opportunity! I am nervous and excited all at the same time! woah!

Well, I am done for now. I need to get some sleep. Yet another thing that seems to finally be making an impact on my life. Why oh why cant I sleep! lol

Until next time...

"If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing." ~Saint Augustine

Life as we know it...

Well, life just keeps getting more and more interesting. I continue to thank the Lord everyday though for my friends and family, I am so blessed to have them in my life. This last month has been pretty interesting. I have learned a lot of new things, made mistakes, made decisions, and of course went on living life the best I could.

I just started my semester with my new classes, and I love them! They are such great classes! I actually pay attention the whole class period, rather than fall asleep in class lol. My Criminology class is super interesting. There are so many things about the subject that I just never knew! It has only been a few weeks now since class started and I feel like I know the subject like that back of my hand, even though there is a ton more to learn! I think its going to be a great semester school wise.

This semester also seems to be very long, or is going to be at least. With work and school I am busy constantly. The times I do get off to hang out with friends and such are what I truly love! When I have not seen people or hung out in a few days, I get super antsy! Heck, for that matter it happens after one day! One of my biggest fears in life is not spiders, or being hurt and such. My biggest fear is being alone. If there is one things that makes me more nervous and that will freak me out, its being alone. I cannot handle it. It does not matter when or where either. Even if there is another person in the room and there is no talking. Just as long as I am not left to my lonesome and my thoughts... one of my biggest enemies a lot of the time.

This semester I have also learned a lot, and not in school. I feel that the Lord has been really working in my life. I have my choices in the last few weeks that I know will have an impact on the future. There is so much I could talk about. One thing is how I act. My actions need to reflect the way I live, and who I live for. That is one thing I am working on changing. There has been one thing that has been on my mind for the last month or so as well. I wanted to jump forward on a decision I was sure of. I wanted to let everything out that was in my head. Though after thinking it over, I made the choice not to go through with it. Its one thing that I feel like I need to keep to myself for now....

Again I am going to write about Heidi. If it were not for Heidi, I might be in a mental hospital right now! she is such a great friend and is the one who keeps me sane during times where I feel like going insane. Whenever I need her she is always there with words of encouragement and wisdom. She by far is one of the most amazing people I have ever met! It is quite sad though that she has to live so far away. I miss her a lot! and thats not even an exaggeration. I really do! She is the person that knows me inside and out, no one else knows me like Heidi. I cannot wait till I can see her again.

Well, that about sums things up for now.... Until next time...

"Everyone is fighting their own battle.

To be free from their past.

To live in their present.

And to create their future."

Only question is....whats yours?

The Good, the Bad and Life...

Well, it has been quite some time since I have wrote a blog. I was going to several times but every time I went to, I just was not in the mood. But a lot has happened since my last post. I have moved into my own place and been going to school and got a job, and been through a million other experiences as well.

Life really seems to be thrown at you went you start to grow up, especially when you move out and are on your own. There have been so many learning experiences for me since I moved out of my home and into a place of my own. I have truly started down the path of being a adult, boooo! You are so happy that you have a place and you can do whatever you want, but at the same time its pretty sad. The fact that you have to pay bills all the time can really put a damper on things. Also, as much as you want to move out and do things on your own, you really start to miss living with your parents. I realized that those days have since passed and its time for me to be responsible and take charge. Which in my book is not an easy thing. I hate the fact of "growing up." Its not that I dont want to grow up, I just dont like all the change that comes with it. There are so many things that you have to choose what you will do and what you wont. I want to do everything! I hate the feeling of knowing that I could be doing one things when there could be a ton of other things I could be doing as well! But thats part of growing up, picking what you do and being responsible with your time and such. Now I thought I was responsible and knew everything, but boy oh boy do you figure things out when you go at it alone and by yourself.

Today if you want to do anything people tell you that you have to go to college and get educated and get jobs and such. It is part of life that just has to be done. Everyone frantically picks a career to jump into and then it consumes their life. Once people hit that age of 20 or 21 its all about the future and what you will do with it. I am lost, I dont know what is going to happen in the future let alone plan for it. It has been one thing that has made me think quite a bit. I realized that in my mind I was going to die young. I had life planned out for high school and college. I didnt have a single thought of what was going to happen after that. If I died young i would not have to deal with all that. Now I am not saying that I want to die young, but it was the thought in my head that I didnt exist after a certain point that made me really think. What am I going to be doing in the future, what will I be doing?

I thank the Lord for the life he has gave me. I have been blessed with many great people in my life. Which in times when its getting hard, its nice to have people to talk to. This last few months has by far been the hardest of my life. I really dont even know how to describe how they went. most of the time I felt like I was just on auto pilot. Bad things seem to come up the more time I have with nothing going on. The more time I have to think, the more I think way to much! lol. That aspect is one I just dont like. Being alone is one think I dont like. If there is one thing in the whole world that scares me the most, its being alone. Call me insecure but its true. I am most comfortable when I am with people. Its how I get through, when I am with people I forget about the things that might be bothering me. When I am alone, I feel empty and lost. There is a certain amount of time alone I can take before I start to get really antsy. I just cant take it. I need the comfort of people, of other intelligent beings. Even if there is no talking going on for hours, I still enjoy it. I have found myself going to the store and just walking around because I didnt want to be alone, just that feeling of other people there was enough.

Secrets, we all have them. Big ones, small ones, they are there. I cant figure out why they seem to control us. I want so badly not to have them, yet they just sit there and remain unknown to the world. Why is it that we have to keep things to ourselfs, to keep things secret. They burn in us and want to get out, but every time we try to let them out they wont budge. Sometimes we come so close, but yet we remain so far away from telling them. I just wish that I could manipulate them for once instead of them manipulating me. The longer you have them, the more they just tear and tear at you. But, forever and ever thats the way things will be. Like an ongoing battle that will never end.

So many questions, like what and why? I dare not, and do not want to pry. Things were going so well, but then I went ahead and jumped, and fell. You are the one that changed my mind, and in my heart I did find. The pain of the past was erased and time with you I would embrace. I love you more each passing day, and want to be with you come whatever may. I have loved you from the start, and you will always be in my heart. With you no matter what in the end, I will be there lover or friend...

“This bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see. Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fair, and moonlit woods where unicorns run free. So come and walk awhile with me and share the twisting trails and wonderous worlds Ive known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there. The last few steps you have to take alone.”

Until next time...

pure confusion and frustration

Well, I am to the point of confusion and frustration where I just dont know where to go from here. Lately in my life there has been a certain situation that has come up. I had thought about it constantly and constantly. I was to the point where I had things settled in my head. Then things started to fit into place it seemed, things were going down the road I wanted them too. I was happy, excited, joyous even! Everything seemed to be falling into place and I was overwhelmed. Then I decided to take a step forward because I thought everything was going well. Thats when everything crashed. Everything that I thought was happening, and that i thought was going well....was actually not. A whole new perspective was thrown on my plate and put me in a daze. All that I had been so excited about was now turning to pure confusion and frustration. I was confused because everything seemed as if clear, as if it was real and what I thought it was. and then to frustration because it wasnt, it was nothing of what I thought it was even though it appeared to be. So now I am left in a state of just utter....I dont know! Its like I am in a boat with huge waves crashing into it, rocking me back and forth. I know I can gain control if I just reach for the controls, but yet I just sit there and stare into nothing....just hoping that it will all go away. But it doesnt, its something that once out can never be put back, and that is what I struggle with the most. Should I have come out with it or should I have kept it to myself? ....after all that I have seen happen from it, I should have kept it to myself......

"I can remember the frustration of not knowing whats going to happen. I knew what I wanted to say, but I could not get the words out."

Growing up...

Well, I kind of struggled with the title of this one. But I came to the right decision I think. I am at a very unique stage in my life right now. Camp is over and i have since left its so called "bubble." I was actually very excited to leave camp just to get away for a while. Now that I look back at things, I miss it a lot. I am back to the real world as they call it. Living my faith is going to be ten times harder, especially now that I am not surrounded by christians on a constant basis. But it is time to step up and really rely on God to show himself in our lives. One thing that has really helped me that I learned this summer was relying on God. Since camp ended I have almost been in a daze you could say. Things have been flying by and moving so quick I have barely caught my breath. Which brings me to the point of "growing up." College is starting again here soon and everything that comes with that is just piling up all around me. Living situations has been a huge chuck of that this year. I am officially moving out of my house and getting a place with three other guys. The responsibility alone is stressful enough. But when relying on God I have no worries. I am stressed and mind boggled, distraught and lost. Yet when I take time and thank God for the day, and ask him to show me what he wants in my life, I have a huge rush of calm come over me. That is how I know he is working. Living on my own is going to be tough, and challenging. With God by my side though, I will never grow tired or fall short.

Another thing that has been really budding in my life is my friends. Working at camp and meeting new people has been a blessing from God. The people in my life right now are so amazing. God has truly blessed me with my friends. Honestly I am coming up and little short, and have a loss of words of how to describe things. After being with them and going our separate ways like going home or to school, I dont know what to think. I have came home to a huge change at home. Making a few changes in the way I live my life has been rough on being at home. It all seems very painful until i think about the friends I have elsewhere, and that I will be with soon. The other day I had the chance to meet and hang out with a lot of them. Later on when it was over and I was heading home, I had a weird feeling come over me. I was very emotional that some were leaving and that I would not see them for a while. But at the same time I was praising God that I have people like that in my life. One person in my life that I thank God for every day is Heidi. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. without Heidi in my life I really dont know where I would be. She has always been the one that is there to listen as well as to give advice, to comfort and encourage. Heidi is the true definition of a friend. And I miss here dearly.

Life really comes at us fast. Its hard to catch everything and take it in as it flies by. One of the things that we really need to make sure we catch are our friends. The Lord puts them in our lives for a reason. Sometimes you can fight and sometimes you get along. Either way, they will be there for you, and you will be there for them. Both helping each other grow and learn throughout this adventure we call life.

As the years pass and we grow apart, I want you to know that you guys are in my heart. You helped me through problems, through things good and bad. You helped me keep smiling when I was sad. You made me stay strong. How will I live, when you guys are gone? And where the years take us, no place is too far. We will think of each other wherever we are. You're wonderful people with good hearts to lend, and I want you to know that you'll always be my best friends!

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies

Giving God our all

Well, I have now been at camp for the better part of the summer. It has been the most amazing time of my life. There have been so many campers lives impacted this summer. God has truly been at work.

When I started this summer as a counselor I was super nervous. It was something that I was not used to, and was going to be a big step in my life. So I stepped out of my comfort zone to see what the Lord would do with my life. Boy did he do something with it. This summer has been one of the biggest growing areas in my whole life. God has been there every step of the way showing me new things and really working in my life. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to work at camp this summer.

My first week working with Sr. high I was scared stiff. I had never done it before and was afraid that I could not over come the challenge of working with youth close to my age. God had a plan though. I had a young man in my cabin that did not know God as his savior. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with him on Monday night of that week. He had a lot of questions about things pertaining to a relationship with God. When I asked him, he said he didnt deserve to go to heaven and that God would not forgive him for the things that he had done. I was able to talk further with him and share that God would forgive him of his sins. That God wants all of us to be able to be in heaven with him someday. After sharing with him further he realized that he had sinned, but wanted to repent of those sins and change his life. That day he excepted Christ as his his savior. As the week went on I got to see that change in his life. He started to step up in the group as a leader, and really start to realize the things God was doing in his life. The change that I saw in him through out the week was phenomenal. Every time I come back to this story it brings tears to my eyes. Working at camp can be hard sometimes, with the little sleep and long days as well as giving up my whole summer. But all the just faded away into the back ground. The young man getting understanding and excepting Christ that week is what made everything about this summer worth it. There is nothing more exciting in life to me, than seeing someone come to be a brother/sister in the Lord, and knowing that they will be in heaven someday. Knowing that is what makes it worth wild.

The Lord has a way of showing us where and what he wants of us in life. Its whether or not we choose to follow that or not that matters. When we give God our all, our everything, he does amazing things in our life. Give God your life, and he will give you eternity. The things he can do are way past comprehension. Let him work in your life. Give him your all and see what he does with your life.

-Lord, I want to love you with ALL of my heart, ALL of my soul, and ALL of my strength. That is the greatest desire of my heart!