Life really seems to be thrown at you went you start to grow up, especially when you move out and are on your own. There have been so many learning experiences for me since I moved out of my home and into a place of my own. I have truly started down the path of being a adult, boooo! You are so happy that you have a place and you can do whatever you want, but at the same time its pretty sad. The fact that you have to pay bills all the time can really put a damper on things. Also, as much as you want to move out and do things on your own, you really start to miss living with your parents. I realized that those days have since passed and its time for me to be responsible and take charge. Which in my book is not an easy thing. I hate the fact of "growing up." Its not that I dont want to grow up, I just dont like all the change that comes with it. There are so many things that you have to choose what you will do and what you wont. I want to do everything! I hate the feeling of knowing that I could be doing one things when there could be a ton of other things I could be doing as well! But thats part of growing up, picking what you do and being responsible with your time and such. Now I thought I was responsible and knew everything, but boy oh boy do you figure things out when you go at it alone and by yourself.
Today if you want to do anything people tell you that you have to go to college and get educated and get jobs and such. It is part of life that just has to be done. Everyone frantically picks a career to jump into and then it consumes their life. Once people hit that age of 20 or 21 its all about the future and what you will do with it. I am lost, I dont know what is going to happen in the future let alone plan for it. It has been one thing that has made me think quite a bit. I realized that in my mind I was going to die young. I had life planned out for high school and college. I didnt have a single thought of what was going to happen after that. If I died young i would not have to deal with all that. Now I am not saying that I want to die young, but it was the thought in my head that I didnt exist after a certain point that made me really think. What am I going to be doing in the future, what will I be doing?
I thank the Lord for the life he has gave me. I have been blessed with many great people in my life. Which in times when its getting hard, its nice to have people to talk to. This last few months has by far been the hardest of my life. I really dont even know how to describe how they went. most of the time I felt like I was just on auto pilot. Bad things seem to come up the more time I have with nothing going on. The more time I have to think, the more I think way to much! lol. That aspect is one I just dont like. Being alone is one think I dont like. If there is one thing in the whole world that scares me the most, its being alone. Call me insecure but its true. I am most comfortable when I am with people. Its how I get through, when I am with people I forget about the things that might be bothering me. When I am alone, I feel empty and lost. There is a certain amount of time alone I can take before I start to get really antsy. I just cant take it. I need the comfort of people, of other intelligent beings. Even if there is no talking going on for hours, I still enjoy it. I have found myself going to the store and just walking around because I didnt want to be alone, just that feeling of other people there was enough.
Secrets, we all have them. Big ones, small ones, they are there. I cant figure out why they seem to control us. I want so badly not to have them, yet they just sit there and remain unknown to the world. Why is it that we have to keep things to ourselfs, to keep things secret. They burn in us and want to get out, but every time we try to let them out they wont budge. Sometimes we come so close, but yet we remain so far away from telling them. I just wish that I could manipulate them for once instead of them manipulating me. The longer you have them, the more they just tear and tear at you. But, forever and ever thats the way things will be. Like an ongoing battle that will never end.
So many questions, like what and why? I dare not, and do not want to pry. Things were going so well, but then I went ahead and jumped, and fell. You are the one that changed my mind, and in my heart I did find. The pain of the past was erased and time with you I would embrace. I love you more each passing day, and want to be with you come whatever may. I have loved you from the start, and you will always be in my heart. With you no matter what in the end, I will be there lover or friend...
“This bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see. Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fair, and moonlit woods where unicorns run free. So come and walk awhile with me and share the twisting trails and wonderous worlds Ive known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there. The last few steps you have to take alone.”
Until next time...
