The Good, the Bad and Life...

Well, it has been quite some time since I have wrote a blog. I was going to several times but every time I went to, I just was not in the mood. But a lot has happened since my last post. I have moved into my own place and been going to school and got a job, and been through a million other experiences as well.

Life really seems to be thrown at you went you start to grow up, especially when you move out and are on your own. There have been so many learning experiences for me since I moved out of my home and into a place of my own. I have truly started down the path of being a adult, boooo! You are so happy that you have a place and you can do whatever you want, but at the same time its pretty sad. The fact that you have to pay bills all the time can really put a damper on things. Also, as much as you want to move out and do things on your own, you really start to miss living with your parents. I realized that those days have since passed and its time for me to be responsible and take charge. Which in my book is not an easy thing. I hate the fact of "growing up." Its not that I dont want to grow up, I just dont like all the change that comes with it. There are so many things that you have to choose what you will do and what you wont. I want to do everything! I hate the feeling of knowing that I could be doing one things when there could be a ton of other things I could be doing as well! But thats part of growing up, picking what you do and being responsible with your time and such. Now I thought I was responsible and knew everything, but boy oh boy do you figure things out when you go at it alone and by yourself.

Today if you want to do anything people tell you that you have to go to college and get educated and get jobs and such. It is part of life that just has to be done. Everyone frantically picks a career to jump into and then it consumes their life. Once people hit that age of 20 or 21 its all about the future and what you will do with it. I am lost, I dont know what is going to happen in the future let alone plan for it. It has been one thing that has made me think quite a bit. I realized that in my mind I was going to die young. I had life planned out for high school and college. I didnt have a single thought of what was going to happen after that. If I died young i would not have to deal with all that. Now I am not saying that I want to die young, but it was the thought in my head that I didnt exist after a certain point that made me really think. What am I going to be doing in the future, what will I be doing?

I thank the Lord for the life he has gave me. I have been blessed with many great people in my life. Which in times when its getting hard, its nice to have people to talk to. This last few months has by far been the hardest of my life. I really dont even know how to describe how they went. most of the time I felt like I was just on auto pilot. Bad things seem to come up the more time I have with nothing going on. The more time I have to think, the more I think way to much! lol. That aspect is one I just dont like. Being alone is one think I dont like. If there is one thing in the whole world that scares me the most, its being alone. Call me insecure but its true. I am most comfortable when I am with people. Its how I get through, when I am with people I forget about the things that might be bothering me. When I am alone, I feel empty and lost. There is a certain amount of time alone I can take before I start to get really antsy. I just cant take it. I need the comfort of people, of other intelligent beings. Even if there is no talking going on for hours, I still enjoy it. I have found myself going to the store and just walking around because I didnt want to be alone, just that feeling of other people there was enough.

Secrets, we all have them. Big ones, small ones, they are there. I cant figure out why they seem to control us. I want so badly not to have them, yet they just sit there and remain unknown to the world. Why is it that we have to keep things to ourselfs, to keep things secret. They burn in us and want to get out, but every time we try to let them out they wont budge. Sometimes we come so close, but yet we remain so far away from telling them. I just wish that I could manipulate them for once instead of them manipulating me. The longer you have them, the more they just tear and tear at you. But, forever and ever thats the way things will be. Like an ongoing battle that will never end.

So many questions, like what and why? I dare not, and do not want to pry. Things were going so well, but then I went ahead and jumped, and fell. You are the one that changed my mind, and in my heart I did find. The pain of the past was erased and time with you I would embrace. I love you more each passing day, and want to be with you come whatever may. I have loved you from the start, and you will always be in my heart. With you no matter what in the end, I will be there lover or friend...

“This bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see. Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fair, and moonlit woods where unicorns run free. So come and walk awhile with me and share the twisting trails and wonderous worlds Ive known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there. The last few steps you have to take alone.”

Until next time...

pure confusion and frustration

Well, I am to the point of confusion and frustration where I just dont know where to go from here. Lately in my life there has been a certain situation that has come up. I had thought about it constantly and constantly. I was to the point where I had things settled in my head. Then things started to fit into place it seemed, things were going down the road I wanted them too. I was happy, excited, joyous even! Everything seemed to be falling into place and I was overwhelmed. Then I decided to take a step forward because I thought everything was going well. Thats when everything crashed. Everything that I thought was happening, and that i thought was going well....was actually not. A whole new perspective was thrown on my plate and put me in a daze. All that I had been so excited about was now turning to pure confusion and frustration. I was confused because everything seemed as if clear, as if it was real and what I thought it was. and then to frustration because it wasnt, it was nothing of what I thought it was even though it appeared to be. So now I am left in a state of just utter....I dont know! Its like I am in a boat with huge waves crashing into it, rocking me back and forth. I know I can gain control if I just reach for the controls, but yet I just sit there and stare into nothing....just hoping that it will all go away. But it doesnt, its something that once out can never be put back, and that is what I struggle with the most. Should I have come out with it or should I have kept it to myself? ....after all that I have seen happen from it, I should have kept it to myself......

"I can remember the frustration of not knowing whats going to happen. I knew what I wanted to say, but I could not get the words out."

Growing up...

Well, I kind of struggled with the title of this one. But I came to the right decision I think. I am at a very unique stage in my life right now. Camp is over and i have since left its so called "bubble." I was actually very excited to leave camp just to get away for a while. Now that I look back at things, I miss it a lot. I am back to the real world as they call it. Living my faith is going to be ten times harder, especially now that I am not surrounded by christians on a constant basis. But it is time to step up and really rely on God to show himself in our lives. One thing that has really helped me that I learned this summer was relying on God. Since camp ended I have almost been in a daze you could say. Things have been flying by and moving so quick I have barely caught my breath. Which brings me to the point of "growing up." College is starting again here soon and everything that comes with that is just piling up all around me. Living situations has been a huge chuck of that this year. I am officially moving out of my house and getting a place with three other guys. The responsibility alone is stressful enough. But when relying on God I have no worries. I am stressed and mind boggled, distraught and lost. Yet when I take time and thank God for the day, and ask him to show me what he wants in my life, I have a huge rush of calm come over me. That is how I know he is working. Living on my own is going to be tough, and challenging. With God by my side though, I will never grow tired or fall short.

Another thing that has been really budding in my life is my friends. Working at camp and meeting new people has been a blessing from God. The people in my life right now are so amazing. God has truly blessed me with my friends. Honestly I am coming up and little short, and have a loss of words of how to describe things. After being with them and going our separate ways like going home or to school, I dont know what to think. I have came home to a huge change at home. Making a few changes in the way I live my life has been rough on being at home. It all seems very painful until i think about the friends I have elsewhere, and that I will be with soon. The other day I had the chance to meet and hang out with a lot of them. Later on when it was over and I was heading home, I had a weird feeling come over me. I was very emotional that some were leaving and that I would not see them for a while. But at the same time I was praising God that I have people like that in my life. One person in my life that I thank God for every day is Heidi. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. without Heidi in my life I really dont know where I would be. She has always been the one that is there to listen as well as to give advice, to comfort and encourage. Heidi is the true definition of a friend. And I miss here dearly.

Life really comes at us fast. Its hard to catch everything and take it in as it flies by. One of the things that we really need to make sure we catch are our friends. The Lord puts them in our lives for a reason. Sometimes you can fight and sometimes you get along. Either way, they will be there for you, and you will be there for them. Both helping each other grow and learn throughout this adventure we call life.

As the years pass and we grow apart, I want you to know that you guys are in my heart. You helped me through problems, through things good and bad. You helped me keep smiling when I was sad. You made me stay strong. How will I live, when you guys are gone? And where the years take us, no place is too far. We will think of each other wherever we are. You're wonderful people with good hearts to lend, and I want you to know that you'll always be my best friends!

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies

Giving God our all

Well, I have now been at camp for the better part of the summer. It has been the most amazing time of my life. There have been so many campers lives impacted this summer. God has truly been at work.

When I started this summer as a counselor I was super nervous. It was something that I was not used to, and was going to be a big step in my life. So I stepped out of my comfort zone to see what the Lord would do with my life. Boy did he do something with it. This summer has been one of the biggest growing areas in my whole life. God has been there every step of the way showing me new things and really working in my life. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to work at camp this summer.

My first week working with Sr. high I was scared stiff. I had never done it before and was afraid that I could not over come the challenge of working with youth close to my age. God had a plan though. I had a young man in my cabin that did not know God as his savior. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with him on Monday night of that week. He had a lot of questions about things pertaining to a relationship with God. When I asked him, he said he didnt deserve to go to heaven and that God would not forgive him for the things that he had done. I was able to talk further with him and share that God would forgive him of his sins. That God wants all of us to be able to be in heaven with him someday. After sharing with him further he realized that he had sinned, but wanted to repent of those sins and change his life. That day he excepted Christ as his his savior. As the week went on I got to see that change in his life. He started to step up in the group as a leader, and really start to realize the things God was doing in his life. The change that I saw in him through out the week was phenomenal. Every time I come back to this story it brings tears to my eyes. Working at camp can be hard sometimes, with the little sleep and long days as well as giving up my whole summer. But all the just faded away into the back ground. The young man getting understanding and excepting Christ that week is what made everything about this summer worth it. There is nothing more exciting in life to me, than seeing someone come to be a brother/sister in the Lord, and knowing that they will be in heaven someday. Knowing that is what makes it worth wild.

The Lord has a way of showing us where and what he wants of us in life. Its whether or not we choose to follow that or not that matters. When we give God our all, our everything, he does amazing things in our life. Give God your life, and he will give you eternity. The things he can do are way past comprehension. Let him work in your life. Give him your all and see what he does with your life.

-Lord, I want to love you with ALL of my heart, ALL of my soul, and ALL of my strength. That is the greatest desire of my heart!

New things...

Well, there have been several new things that have been happening in my life lately. Things that can make it quite hectic to live with. The one major thing that has been happening in my life is I am working at The Springs Camp again this summer. But this year I will be counseling instead of working on maintenance. It is going to be a huge step in my life so far, and I pray that the Lord will give me strength and wisdom through out the summer. I have been learning a lot in staff training so far. One thing that I have had to handle a great deal of is patience. Sometimes dealing with work and people can become quite overwhelming at times, but patience is the key! It is amazing how different a situation can turn out when the proper actions (patience) is taken. More so I have also been forcing myself to try to step out of my comfort zone and try new things in my life and daily routine. This has seemed to be effective at times and not so at others. But none the less has been a great help in my life. I am still learning and hopefully have more to talk about by time training is over!

Another thing in my life that is new is college! yeesh college can get busy and frustrating so fast! But my first year of college went great for the most part! Grace Bible College was a great place to start off for the first year. But now that the year is over I am already starting to look at the next! and this year I will be attending GRCC. Though my major at this current time is up in the air. I need lots of prayer time to be able to figure things out and where the Lord wants to place me. It is also a struggle to get things all around school wise. With working at camp it makes it very difficult to get things registered and all that for this next year. That does not even include living arrangements yet! But that should be ok, living with Joe this next year will be a lot of fun in and of its self.

One more thing is friendships. They are so very hard to keep up at sometimes! there are old friends and new ones that are just all over the place! Some old ones want you to go back to the way things were, where the new ones want to start down a whole new path! both can be challenging at times. Some are old fueds and can be very uninviting most the time making things difficult. But then there are those ones that just seem to make you happy! The ones that you have started and never want to lose. Lately I have found one of those relationships. The person is absolutely amazing and fun to be with! Even to the point of a small crush in some incidents. But that one will be taken slow for sure. If there has anything I have learned about watching and being in relationships, it is that a relationship can kill a friendship. and I do not want to do that in this case! This person to me is not worth losing like that, they are to important to me already. So for the time being, friends shall continue to be friends :D and that couldnt make me more happy. But if things change, I pray that a friendship will always be a layton image in out relationship forever....

-"I cannot walk through the suburbs in the solitude of the night without thinking that the night pleases us because it suppresses idle details, just as our memory does."